REAL Friends

Are you tired of those smarmy "friendship" messages that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, I got the following today from my brother (who is also a good friend) and it seems to be a bit more realistic:

My friend

• When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry asshole that upset you so badly.


• When you are blue -- I will use my Heimlich skills to try to dislodge whatever is choking you.


• When you are smiling -- I will know you finally got some.


• When you are scared -- I will make fun about it every chance I get.


• When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.


• When you are confused -- I will speak slowly and use little words.


• When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want to catch whatever you have.


• When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.


• When you are broke -- I will remind you of the convenience stores that do not have security cameras.


• When you are old -- I will still be there for you, but I'll be a lot younger than you.

Remember: A good friend will help you move; a really good friend will help you move a body. Let me know if you ever need me to bring a shovel.