Yes, she's strange and different...but not THAT different.

06 December 2006

Holiday eating tips

(I know this isn't original but it's still worth posting. And yes, I also know it's about gluttony, but it's also humor. Laugh at it and then appease your guilty feelings by helping out at a homeless shelter over the holidays ... or maybe even all year long.)

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately and go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can, and quickly. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an "eggnog-aholic" or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me ... have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas.

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes, fill it with gravy, eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? That's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello???

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes: if you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, pumpkin and mincemeat - have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all costs. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips. Start over, but hurry - January is just around the corner.

  • On 12/06/2006 4:45 PM, Anonymous Jen Burke said…

    Who's doing the cooking this year? Last year here, we picked up stuff from a deli, lol! The biggest effort was driving there.

  • On 12/07/2006 2:46 PM, Blogger Jami said…

    We usually cook and then send care packages home with whoever happens to have been there to share the food with us. But if you want, I can set aside a plate for you ... although I can't guarantee the edibility of anything after arrival through the mail.

  • On 12/08/2006 12:56 PM, Blogger nexy said…

    what, no pecan pie? each slice has more calories than your entire apple and pumpkin pies combined!


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