For your convenience

Are you in trouble for insulting some person or group of persons? Then use the handy form below to help drain away the hot water you now find yourself in. No need to thank me; just doing my part to make the world a kinder, gentler place.

________________ APOLOGY

I deeply regret the impact of my recent unthoughtful comments and wish to apologize for saying "_______________________________________________".

I am [somewhat / very / really, really] sorry that I made comments hurtful to ________________. To anyone and everyone who was offended [yesterday / this week / a while ago / sometime], I offer my apologies because being offensive was not my intent. My actual intent was only ________________.

I am not really a [racist / sexist / homophobe / xenophobe / child molester]. I'm just a [comedian / politician / talk-show host / actor / CEO / drunk].

Despite reports to the contrary, I do not truly believe ________________.

Some of my best friends are ________________ and I often donate ________________ to ________________. In fact, my [spouse / partner / best friend] often [teaches / adopts / hires / speaks to / notices] ________________ kids in my neighborhood.

I have learned a great deal from my recent [hate mail / death threats / loss of salary]. The many emails that I have received have been particularly ________________ for me.

Nothing is more important to me than regaining your trust and love, and I hope you will give me the chance to once again ________________ when this unfortunate incident is behind us. To that end, I would also like to take this occasion to announce that I will be going into ________________ rehab beginning ________________.

(For copies of this apology, please contact my [lawyer / agent / mother].)

Sincerely,
________________