Yes, she's strange and different...but not THAT different.

20 November 2007

You're not going to wear that, are you?

I saw a sign in a restaurant today that read, "For dinner, gentlemen are requested to wear a necktie" and it occurred to me that women are never subject to such restrictions. Unless they might be, "For dinner, ladies are requested to wear some form of attire and a minimum of perfume." That prompted me to realize that, with the upcoming holiday season and its attendant emphasis on fancier dress, I could offer up a few rules of dress of my own.

1. Although "cocktail dress" and "Keds" are onomatopoeic, they shouldn't be worn together.

2. If hookers on the street tell you that your outfit is a little too revealing, you might want to consider covering up a little more.

3. For gentlemen, an invitation that reads "Formal Attire" does mean that shoes and socks must also be worn.

4. If you are wearing correctly sized pantyhose, they should touch your crotch ... especially if you are not wearing any other underwear. If you are not wearing pantyhose, whatever touches your crotch is strictly up to you.

5. If duPont approaches you to work as a spandex™ stress tester, perhaps you should consider either losing a few pounds or gaining a few dress sizes.

6. Regardless of the locale or the weather, fur-lined hats with ear flaps should never be worn as part of a formal outfit. Nor should socks be worn with strappy evening sandals. Both of these apply equally to men and women.

7. If the usher at the theater tells you that you will have to turn off your suit when the house lights go down, you might want to consider a change of clothes. Or maybe a muffler.

8. Some looks can only be pulled off by a very limited number of people. Like, for instance, Ronald McDonald.

9. If you hear "Sir, your skirt is too short", you should either shave a little closer or wear a longer skirt, depending upon your gender. Or move to Scotland.

I hope these few guidelines will help you to look your partying best in the coming weeks. Right now, I have a decision of my own to make. Our office Christmas party is coming up soon and the invitation reads, "Cocktail Attire". My problem is I can't decide on whether to go as a margarita or as the more traditional straight tequila shot. I'll let you know what I decide.

  • On 11/20/2007 4:50 PM, Blogger exskindiver said…

    darn it, jami,
    i was planning to wear my trooper hat to steve's formal holiday party.
    are you serious?

  • On 11/21/2007 2:13 PM, Anonymous tonya said…

    i don't dig on rules. i so want to break all of those rules at one time cause i'm just a pimp like that.

  • On 11/21/2007 3:43 PM, Blogger konagod said…

    My parents used to drag me to snooty restaurants in New Orleans (like Brennans) and even though I was only 13 or 14, I had to put on SOMEONE ELSE'S FUCKING JACKET because them were the rules. They kept a stash of those ugly fucking things for folks who would dare to show up without one.

    Excuse me, who's paying for this fucking meal?

    I got no time for that shit these days.

  • On 11/21/2007 3:48 PM, Blogger konagod said…

    Why not go to the office party as a pink pussy?

  • On 11/21/2007 6:44 PM, Blogger willam said…

    I was asked to leave a Houston's after pointing out that they let a woman in a fucking ONESIE and i couldn't dine in a no sleeve roberto cavalli button up shirt.

    A motherfuckin' onesie. I wanted to tell the bitch that she could at least have the due dignity to wear rollerskates with it.

  • On 11/23/2007 10:14 AM, Blogger Jen of A2eatwrite said…

    Thanks for the fashion tips - I always get funny looks when I wear that ear flaps hat with my formal wear.

  • On 11/23/2007 5:18 PM, Blogger soccer mom in denial said…

    Can I go as a Gin and Tonic to your office party?

    Oh - and I've co-opted my sons' big furry hat with ear flaps. And I have a fancy wedding next week. I may just push the fashion envelope.....

  • On 11/24/2007 3:09 AM, Blogger Jenn in Holland said…

    hehe. Last line is the absolute best of an absolutely hilarious post.
    You didn't mention fuzzy pink slippers though. Surely those are okay under a cocktail dress? I mean, after I shave of course.

  • On 11/27/2007 3:38 PM, Blogger Fourier Analyst said…

    You know one of my favorite cocktails is a "Screaming Orgasm"...!


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